Helping Children Handle Crisis

Little Anne was 5 years old when her great-grandmother died. By the time we arrived at the house, the ambulance had come and gone, and Anne’s grandmother (daughter of the deceased) was standing, grief-stricken, on the doorstep. As we got out of the car, little Anne rushed up to her grandmother, arms outstretched. Usually very affectionate, her grandmother was now enmeshed in her own grief. “Not now, Anne!” she said and pushed the little girl away. Anne was crestfallen, her feelings hurt beyond belief. She couldn’t understand her grandmother’s rejection at all, and never forgot it.

As we try to handle whatever life presents us with to the best of our ability, we are often so caught up in our own experience that we are unaware of our children and how our responses affect them. Particularly when there is a crisis – whether it be global, such as an impending war, societal, such as 9.11, or something more personal – children are not only often neglected, but have never been given any tools to help them deal with either the crisis itself or the adults’ rejection.

Because we love and want to protect our children, we inadvertently neglect to give them what they need to handle the messier aspects of life that we unfortunately, try as we may, cannot protect them from. In my work with parents, I am often asked; what is the one most valuable thing we can teach our children? My reply is always the same: Life happens, and a lot of it doesn’t always look or feel good. Your job, as a parent, is to teach your children how to handle it. 

Relatively recent studies have shown that the ability for managing stressful situations is more significant in determining health, success and happiness than any other single factor. This is because our emotions are considerably stronger than our minds, and if we haven’t been taught to manage our emotions when stress occurs – whether it be in the form of a crisis or just day-to-day problems – no matter how sensible or logical our mind is, our emotions take over our behavior (as with Anne’s grandmother).

Learning to manage our own emotions, as a proactive and preventative tool for handling stress or crisis, is imperative in order to teach our children to do the same. Example is the best teachers!  One effective way to develop the ability for emotional management, at the same time as you teach it to your children(!), is using what I call the Three R’s for higher EQ (emotional intelligence and management). 

The first R is Recognize. Recognize that you are experiencing stress, an overwhelming emotion, etc. This may seem obvious, but most of us are actually unaware of how often we let our emotions spin out of control and say things we later regret, simply because we didn’t recognize or admit to our feelings when they begin!  State your feeling to yourself or out loud, or write them down. (Teach your children to do the same; suggest words to accurately describe their feelings, for example frightened, frustrated, sad, mad, disappointed, etc.) This way your feelings are validated and you can start to move on.

The next R is Release. Once you are experiencing an emotion that is stressful – in particular a response to a crisis – it is vital that the tension you experience is released physically. This may mean having a good cry or it could mean exerting physical effort appropriate to the situation (saving somebody trapped under a car for example). Our bodies are designed to perform a physical activity in response to stress. If we don’t , the stress hormones released into the body become toxic, lowering the immune system and often leading to aches and pains and eventually disease.  Therefore, having experienced distress, the best release is physical exertion – running, punching a pillow, jumping up and down, clenching and releasing your fists, or even letting out a good scream can all help. Sometimes it can also help to write, elaborating on what you’re feeling on paper.  As far as children are concerned, drawing their feelings can help, as well as all of the above-mentioned physical forms of expression.

The final R is Relax - Down into the Heart. Shift your attention physically down into your heart – placing one hand gently over your heart can help. Breathe slowly in and out, and imagine your heart in the center of your breathing. Think of something (simple) that you can really appreciate and feel the feeling of appreciation in your heart and chest area. Enjoy this feeling for just a minute.  When you re-address your stressful situation or crisis, you will find that your perception and response may be somewhat more managed and effective – and you’ll feel a lot better about yourself, as will your children!

Practicing the three R’s on a regular basis will make a significant difference to the way you and your children handle yourselves and in stressful situations, and will give you a much greater capacity to handle – and recover from the aftermath of - a crisis.


For more information and tools to help children better handle emotions and stress, read Jennifer Day’s books; Children Believe Everything You Say, and Creative Visualization with Children – A Practical Guide.

by
Jennifer Day